Today was a horrible day.. absolutely horrible!!! and I usually try to keep my posts upbeat and funny but I’m just not in the mood… Anyone who really knows me knows that my health is sometimes not the greatest and today is complete proof of that. I get VERY frustrated at people who have pre-conceived ideas in their minds about what I’m going through, about what I feel, about how I should deal with it, etc… I do the BEST that I can do!!! I can’t go into great detail on a public blog, but any ladies out there that have Endometriosis know the kind of pain that I’m talking about. It’s not pleasant, it’s not fun and it’s not a walk in the park!!! It’s all internal issues, however just because you can’t SEE it doesn’t mean it’s not real or it’s not there. Last night in the middle of the preaching my body decided to go bonkers.. so I left as quietly as I could … Today I went to work and got sent home from work .. and even now I am awake because I feel like my body is having aftershocks… They just decide to hit whenever they want!!! No introductions, no “hey, I’m about to make you miserable for the next however long I decide to stick around”, no invitation, no warning. I’ve learned to deal with it, to try and live with it. I’ve gotten prayed for more times that I can shake a stick at. And I DO believe in the healing power of God! I have seen it happen too many times not to believe. BUT when is enough enough?!?! Do I keep believing no matter what? Or do I say ” hey we’ve prayed and nothings changed so I’m going to be smart and get this fixed”. I’m not really asking your opinion.. I guess I’m just venting. I want children – I want a family. But in the meantime I want to live – I want a good quality of life – So I think maybe adoption will be the best route for me. If the Lord chooses not to heal me and I can’t have a baby naturally… I believe that there is a baby out there with my name on it! Is that faith? I believe it is. I believe God wants us to live life to the fullest! So – I have a doctors appointment scheduled in August – I’m hoping for good news – that this can be fixed easily and that I will be able to conceive a child =) But if it’s bad news.. I won’t hate God, or give up on life or get bitter. It is what it is. You play the hand your dealt – make lemonade out of lemons. I’m not asking for your pity … I guess I’m frustrated – I don’t understand all this… But I also don’t want to ask why because I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t get an answer – I believe there is a purpose for everything .. On days like today I have to cling to that belief!!! God knows what he’s doing… So I guess I answered my own question – It’s faith – it’s always faith – Having faith isn’t stupid. I trust that what will be, will be what God wants specifically for my life… .. Sounds easy enough…. Faith is the substance of things hoped for, evidence of things not seen.
July 9, 2010
Advertisement
July 10, 2010 at 1:36 pm
Danelle – This post has brought tears to my eyes. I totally understand what you are going through. I, too, had Endometriosis and have been through all those feelings you expressed. In fact, I had it before it was given a name. Then, there was a book written simply titled “Endometriosis.” I bought it and everyone in my family read it to understand what I was going through.
Please, Danelle, keep your chin up and don’t ever lose hope of having a child. I thought it would never happen and even went through all kinds of stuff and took fertility drugs. (Which can be dangerous) My husband and I prayed every day – breakfast, lunch, dinner – a simple prayer just saying, “God you know our hearts desire and, if it is your will, please give us a child. After nearly seven years of marriage, I had almost given up. We had planned a month long trip to Europe and Africa when I got very sick and was put in hospital. That is when I found out I would become a mommy.
I was told things would be better after having a child and maybe they were for a short time but I still suffer. I should say it has become more tolerable. Dear, I will be praying for you and hope you can find something that gives you some relief. For me, the best thing was codeine, a heating pad pressed to my abdomen by a teddy bear and staying curled in a fetal position in hopes I could pass out for three days and wake feeling better. LOL
You can call me anytime if you need to vent. I truly understand.
Love you!!!
July 13, 2010 at 10:15 am
Oh Sis. Allard – I didn’t mean to make you cry! I didn’t know that about you. I think you may have helped my faith a little bit. =) I agree that God is in control.. just sometimes its really hard to remember that! I actually have a doctors appointment today to TRY and get some sort of medicine that will help me be able to at least function normally. Lol! Codeine unfortunately has no effect on me but I’m hoping for something that does. Anyways if the Lord can give you 3 beautiful children, he can do it for me too =) Thank you for your prayers.